Shaking it off

I got the crap kicked out of me the other day. Not physically – that has happened and I can heal from that. This was the emotional equivalent, and I think it is going to leave scars.

So today I feel depressed, with a “do I suck that much:? hangover. I wallow for a while, then remember how many things I do like about life, and it slowly gets better. Getting mad is good too, because it clears out the cobwebs created by that most invincible of arachnids, self doubt.

Being well versed in human behaviors, with an over abundance of self-awareness, I am always somewhat surprised when I let myself get the crap kicked out of me without fighting back. Even when the person is saying stuff that is so grossly inaccurate, I let it go. it is like going into the fetal position or dissociating.

The placator comes out, saying, “yup, me, all me. just stop. my fault, 100%” . It takes a while for my brain cells to come up with answers. And let all that education and experience come forth and recognize defensiveness on the part of the attacker.

Anyway, it sucks. My protective systems go into purge mode – delete the offender from my life. Move on. That can get pretty damn lonely. This is the problem with isolation. Living in a voluntarily closed system is a BAD idea. BAD.

I need a plan. Okay, I have a plan, but I need a different plan, since the one I have is not working for me anymore. I am tired of just taking crap and pretending to be okay for the sake of harmony.

I hate trying to become a better person. The work is hard and the (short term) pay sucks!

Hello world!

Well, heck! Isn’t that such a sunny post name!

I am trying to come out from under my rock. It is a nice rock, but I mean, hello, it is a rock. It is only capable of providing so much, and comfort and companionship is not one of them.

I am going to attempt to work on my being in the world skills and lucky you, you get to see it. If you don’t want to read some potentially self-indulgent, inner focused writing, keep going. This is for me. And hopefully by making it for me, it will be of use to you.

My real world experience is that many people really don’t care about inner worlds, unless it is their own. Or you pay them $100 an hour. That is valid and I have done that, but in the long run, you have to stop talking about and start doing. I have always put other peoples needs/preferences/desires first, to the detriment of my own.

Socialization sucks, man!