I got the crap kicked out of me the other day. Not physically - that has happened and I can heal from that. This was the emotional equivalent, and I think it is going to leave scars.
So today I feel depressed, with a “do I suck that much 
hangover. I wallow for a while, then remember how many things I do like about life, and it slowly gets better. Getting mad is good too, because it clears out the cobwebs created by that most invincible of arachnids, self doubt.
Being well versed in human behaviors, with an over abundance of self-awareness, I am always somewhat surprised when I let myself get the crap kicked out of me without fighting back. Even when the person is saying stuff that is so grossly inaccurate, I let it go. it is like going into the fetal position or dissociating.
The placator comes out, saying, “yup, me, all me. just stop. my fault, 100%” . It takes a while for my brain cells to come up with answers. And let all that education and experience come forth and recognize defensiveness on the part of the attacker.
Anyway, it sucks. My protective systems go into purge mode - delete the offender from my life. Move on. That can get pretty damn lonely. This is the problem with isolation. Living in a voluntarily closed system is a BAD idea. BAD.
I need a plan. Okay, I have a plan, but I need a different plan, since the one I have is not working for me anymore. I am tired of just taking crap and pretending to be okay for the sake of harmony.
I hate trying to become a better person. The work is hard and the (short term) pay sucks!
